mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
