I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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