Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
