I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
