just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
