before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
