and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
