I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
