I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
