At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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