I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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