god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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