Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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