if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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