I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
