if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
