two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
