i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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