Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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