I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
