What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
