you have to choose: penises or morals?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
