mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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