guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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