I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love having hate sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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