he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My ATM looks so different sober.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
