My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
