I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
