She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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