I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
