i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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