I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
