I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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