I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
