I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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