I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
