peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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