sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
