I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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