Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
