everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
