also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
