I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
