Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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