it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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