I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
