Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
