I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
