my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
