you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
