If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
