Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
